Rules for Driving

If there is one area in my life where I'm a Jekyll and Hyde character, it's when I get behind the wheel of a car. I swear, I think there's a brain inhibitor built into everyone else's vehicle (but not mine, of course). If there's one time in life that I'm most likely to utter an expletive, it's while driving... in fact, that's probably one time I'm guaranteed to utter several expletives. May God have mercy on my soul.

In view of this morning's commute to work, I feel like I need to toss some general advice out into the ether that is "the blogosphere". I have no readers on this blog as yet, but maybe future generations will someday look back and learn from my wisdom. Or something.

Rule 1: Nobody dies. Wrecks are bad, and therefore behavior that is likely to be wreck-inducing should be avoided. No talking on your cell phone, texting, putting on makeup, making love, or eating breakfast while driving. Please.

Rule 2: Everyone's goal in traffic should be to move along while creating as little disruption of other drivers as possible. If you're driving so slowly that there's a stack of cars piled up behind you more than two deep, you're a dumbass and you either need to speed up or move over. If you're driving 20mph faster than everyone and weaving across two or three lanes at a time, you're a dumbass and you need to slow down or get some time management skills under your belt so you can leave the house earlier.

Rule 3: Use your mirrors. You are responsible for knowing what's going on. The dad of a friend of mine in High School used to quiz him when he was learning to drive. He'd reach up and tweak the rear view mirror so my friend couldn't see behind him anymore and ask him what kind of car was behind him, and sometimes what kind of car was behind and to the right or left. I like the spirit of that test - do you know what's going on around you, not just right in front of you?

Rule 4: When you see someone making a move in traffic, let them make it. This is partly a corollary of Rule 2. The assumption here is that anyone who's changing lanes too close to your bumper or speeding and weaving traffic is completely oblivious to Rule 1, and so your best bet at fulfilling Rule 1 is to chill out and help restore general stability and safety to the flow of traffic. You are free to utter expletives at said oblivious driver. Also, I frequently break this rule ("I saw you speeding and weaving way back there you bastard, so I'm gonna sit right next to this granny and drive niiiice and slow just to hold you up...").

Rule 5: Merge early. I'm convinced that half of the road rage on this planet could be avoided if those jerks who drive all the way to the orange cones and then wedge their way into the line would just quit that nonsense. I mean, really, where else in life is that behavior acceptable? Would these people try that at the bank? The grocery store? Again with the time management...

I Feel Like a New Man

Every now and then I end up folding laundry. (I have a kick ass wife who usually does it for me - stay at home Mom's are the shiz, fo sho.) But when I find myself folding laundry, particularly socks, I'm confronted with an unfortunate state of nature.

Very seldom do all my socks wear out at once. There's the one pair that's been tucked away at the bottom of my drawer, so it never leaves the queue... it's pristine, like it's just from the package. Then there's the others in varying states of wear. When I find one with a hole or an irreparable stain, I throw it out. Eventually, I start running low on socks, so I have to go buy some.

But I'm kinda cheap when it comes to my socks, so I usually just get whatever's on sale at Wal-Mart. The end result, then, is that I have a drawer full of similar-but-not-quite-identical athletic socks. Pretty much all white, low-cut types. This isn't really a problem, except that it's a pain in the arse to find a matching pair when you're folding the laundry. Who wants to spend 10 minutes rifling through the hamper trying to play mix-and-match?

So this week I made an executive decision: I threw out every pair of athletic and black dress socks I owned, and replaced them en masse with new ones.

It's amazing how such a little thing could bring so much joy... but it's got me thinking - are there other hidden areas of life where I apply the same logic? Do I spin my wheels on things of little or no significance in the name of saving a couple of dollars?

For instance, do I spend an extra ten minutes and five miles of driving to get to the "cheap" gas station? Is it really worth it for the net $0.50 savings? Not remotely... I think a future experiment could be brewing somewhere in all of this, but I need to percolate on it a while first.