Rules for Driving

If there is one area in my life where I'm a Jekyll and Hyde character, it's when I get behind the wheel of a car. I swear, I think there's a brain inhibitor built into everyone else's vehicle (but not mine, of course). If there's one time in life that I'm most likely to utter an expletive, it's while driving... in fact, that's probably one time I'm guaranteed to utter several expletives. May God have mercy on my soul.

In view of this morning's commute to work, I feel like I need to toss some general advice out into the ether that is "the blogosphere". I have no readers on this blog as yet, but maybe future generations will someday look back and learn from my wisdom. Or something.

Rule 1: Nobody dies. Wrecks are bad, and therefore behavior that is likely to be wreck-inducing should be avoided. No talking on your cell phone, texting, putting on makeup, making love, or eating breakfast while driving. Please.

Rule 2: Everyone's goal in traffic should be to move along while creating as little disruption of other drivers as possible. If you're driving so slowly that there's a stack of cars piled up behind you more than two deep, you're a dumbass and you either need to speed up or move over. If you're driving 20mph faster than everyone and weaving across two or three lanes at a time, you're a dumbass and you need to slow down or get some time management skills under your belt so you can leave the house earlier.

Rule 3: Use your mirrors. You are responsible for knowing what's going on. The dad of a friend of mine in High School used to quiz him when he was learning to drive. He'd reach up and tweak the rear view mirror so my friend couldn't see behind him anymore and ask him what kind of car was behind him, and sometimes what kind of car was behind and to the right or left. I like the spirit of that test - do you know what's going on around you, not just right in front of you?

Rule 4: When you see someone making a move in traffic, let them make it. This is partly a corollary of Rule 2. The assumption here is that anyone who's changing lanes too close to your bumper or speeding and weaving traffic is completely oblivious to Rule 1, and so your best bet at fulfilling Rule 1 is to chill out and help restore general stability and safety to the flow of traffic. You are free to utter expletives at said oblivious driver. Also, I frequently break this rule ("I saw you speeding and weaving way back there you bastard, so I'm gonna sit right next to this granny and drive niiiice and slow just to hold you up...").

Rule 5: Merge early. I'm convinced that half of the road rage on this planet could be avoided if those jerks who drive all the way to the orange cones and then wedge their way into the line would just quit that nonsense. I mean, really, where else in life is that behavior acceptable? Would these people try that at the bank? The grocery store? Again with the time management...